How I Knew I Was Trans
Answering a question I’ve received from a surprising number of people.
Since coming out a lot of people I know have asked how I knew I was trans, so it must be a common curiosity. The complete answer is, of course, both beyond my own understanding and also kinda messy, but here is a sort of metaphor to illustrate the symbolic process I went through.
Imagine two empty fish bowls. Fill one with everything masculine, the other with everything feminine — everything, from clothes to roles to attributes, all possible gendered things are separated out. Now smash them both on the floor and mix it all together so you can’t tell which thing came from which bowl.
Now from that mess collect everything you like, everything that feels good. This is a process of experimentation, since you can’t just think about it. Thinking only gets you so far. To know something you have to actually try it out, embody it, feel it. For example, you can think about the Grand Canyon, but until you’ve seen it with your own eyes you don’t really know what it is — and even then you only know a bit. Real knowledge often requires real experience.
This process is inherently transgressive, of course, since you’re ignoring gender boundaries just by considering all possible things, let alone involving yourself in them. You’ll need to be ready to break social mores —…
